


The Adventures of Sir Geoffrey and Lord Robert

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-11
Updated: 2009-08-11
Packaged: 2017-11-26 01:12:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/644892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a boring afternoon in the forest and Guy and Robin are alone in the camp.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Adventures of Sir Geoffrey and Lord Robert

It was another boring afternoon in the forest.

Little John had curled up in the corner of the Outlaw's Camp, snoring loudly and scaring off the birds who searched for tidbits of food stuck in his beard. Allan-a-Dale and Much had snuck off to the river hours ago for a little fishing. Tuck sat under a nearby tree, totally engrossed in a book about some new-fangled thing called "Passive Resistance," and Kate had run off into the forest and was very likely annoying the shit out of all the poor, woodland creatures she happened upon. This left Guy and Robin alone together in the camp.

"Woz 'at?" Guy mumbled, his mouth full of a green apple. He screwed up his face slightly due to the sour taste as he pointed to the object in Robin's hands.  
"Just some book I found hidden under one of the baskets over there." Robin answered as he flipped through the pages, chuckling slightly. "Oh look, someone's written a story in it."

Guy walked over and sat down next to Robin, craning his head over the outlaw's shoulder. Robin stared back at him quizzically.  
"What are you doing?" He asked.  
"I want to read the story." Guy replied, taking another bite of apple.  
"You are not going to read over my shoulder." Robin responded, slamming the book closed.  
"That was the general idea, yes." Admitted Guy.  
"No." Robin replied.  
"Oh come now, I'm bored to tears." Guy whined.  
"Then why didn't you go fishing with Much and Allan?!" Robin growled. "Or you could've gone off into the woods with Kate and put all the poor animals she torments out of their misery!"  
"I don't like fishing and you know that being around Kate makes me homicidal!" Guy retorted.  
"Kate makes everyone homicidal!" Robin exclaimed. "Like I told you before, we only have to put up with her until she does something stupid and gets herself offed by some inept guard."  
"Fine." Guy grumbled, turning his head to the side and poking out his bottom lip.

Robin opened the book once again and began flipping to the story. Once again, Guy peered over his shoulder. Robin looked over and stared him down evilly.

"You cannot read over my shoulder. It annoys me." He told Guy sternly.  
Guy looked at him and cracked a devilish, lop-sided grin. "Either let me read, or I'll tell Much what you were doing with his britches while you were sitting under the old apple tree earlier."

Robin froze and suddenly, all of the color drained out of his face. "You...you're bluffing. You saw nothing." He finally muttered.

Guy took another bite of his apple and smiled, holding up the apple core. "Oh, really? You mean you never wondered where I found all the apples?"

Robin stared at the apple core, and then shot Guy another evil glance. "I hate you." He grumbled as he slid the book over to Guy. Guy chuckled mischievously.

 _"The Adventures of Sir Geoffrey and Lord Robert the Courageous Outlaw."_ Robin read aloud as he and Guy began to scan the neatly handwritten page.  
"Sounds a bit silly." Guy replied.  
"Oh, now you're going to complain?!" Exclaimed Robin.  
"No, I was just stating a fact." Said Guy.  
"Just shut up and read the damned story." Robin growled.  
"Fine." Replied Guy, sticking his tongue out at the outlaw.  
"Fine!" Robin yelled, sticking out his own tongue.

_"Once upon a time, there was a courageous and handsome young lord named Robert, Earl of Buntingdon. Lord Robert, being a truly faithful man, had left for the Crusades with his trusted squire, friend and servant, Mervin. Mervin was a handsome and courageous man himself, and would never even consider allowing his master to journey to such hostile territory alone. Together, the two men joined the King's Guard, and fought nobly to take back the Holy Land."_

"And then a dragon came along and ate them both. _RAWR!_ " Guy added, laughing.  
Robin eyed Guy and shook his head. "You need a hobby, Gisborne."  
"You're the one who won't let me kill people anymore." Guy replied, sulking.  
"We've been over this before: killing people isn't a hobby. It's a mental disorder."  
"You do realize you've been trying to kill me for what? The last three years or so?" Guy pointed out.  
Robin fumed. "Just read the book, alright?"

_"One night, while in Acre, an evil knight with a heart as black as pitch raided their camp. His name was Sir Geoffrey of Gazburne. Dressed as a Saracen, the evil Sir Geoffrey viciously attacked Lord Robert, who was protecting the King."_

"Well, _this_ sounds horribly familiar." Robin quipped.  
"Yes, but maybe it will end better this time." Guy told him. "And besides, we have nothing better to do."  
"True." Admitted Robin.

_"Lord Robert was injured in the battle, and ordered to return home to recover by the King. However, upon returning to England, Lord Robert found that all was not well. His home had been given to Sir Geoffrey by the new (and quite monstrous) Sheriff of Rottingham. The Sheriff, a man named Casey, tortured and killed many peasants at will. Seeing the injustice, the noble Lord Robert stood up to the Sheriff and to Sir Geoffrey, and saved four peasants from execution. For his insolence, Lord Robert and his servant, Mervin, were outlawed."_

Robin tried to turn the page, but Guy quickly stopped him.  
"Wait, I'm not finished." Guy told him, still reading.

Robin waited a few moments before attempting to turn the page; however, Guy stopped him once again.  
"Honestly, how slow do you read, Gisborne?!" Robin snapped at Guy.  
Guy looked up at him and rolled his eyes. "Oh, I am so very sorry that, unlike you, I was unable to finish my schooling because I was too busy being forced to run off to France and trying to survive with NOTHING!" Guy growled, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  
"Oh, there you go with that, again! You're never going to let me hear the end of it, are you? Every single day it's whine, whine, whine!"  
"Shut up, _Bobbin!_ "  
"Make me, _Guyliner!_ "

Guy quickly punched Robin in the arm.

"OW!" Robin cried.

Guy quickly turned the page. "Read." He barked.

_"Lord Robert and his faithful servant Mervin went off to live in the forest, and began the noble task of robbing the rich to feed the poor. For several years they struggled, forming a gang of faithful and hardworking outlaws to help them in their righteous endeavors. And, during this time, Lord Robert managed to rekindle the love of his former betrothed: a young maid named 'Margaret of Blighton.'"_

_"Margaret was truly in love with Lord Robert; however, the sinister Sir Geoffrey wanted the beautiful maid for himself. One fateful day, after many failed attempts to woo her, Sir Geoffrey flew into a rage and ran the poor woman through with his sword. Before she passed away, she and Lord Robert married."_

_**Sniffle. Sniffle.** _

Robin's eyes began to tear up, and his bottom lip quivered. "Mawwian." He muttered quietly as he grabbed onto Guy, crying his eyes out on the man's shoulder.  
"Oh no. Not this." Guy sighed heavily.  
"You stabbed my Marian with your sword!" Robin sobbed, wiping his nose on Guy's sleeve. "You killed her!"  
"I didn't mean to stab her! Well, technically speaking, I did. I'd been planning to ram her repeatedly with my 'sword,' but in the desert heat, I got my 'swords' a little mixed up. It was an honest mistake, really!" Guy told him, smiling sheepishly.

Robin stared at him in utter horror.

"That," he began, his voice quivering, "That is how you apologize for MURDERING MY WIFE?!"  
"But, you were the one who told me that _'honesty is the best policy!'_ " Guy retorted.  
"Yes, but using a modicum of tact wouldn't kill you, either!" Screamed Robin.  
"First, you want me to tell the truth, and then you don't want me to tell the _whole_ truth." Guy groaned, hanging his head. "Could you please make it just a little more confusing for the recovering villain?!"  
"There are nuances, Gisborne! I've told you this a dozen times. Yes, it is good to tell the truth, but you have to take the other person's feelings into account!"

Guy moaned. "I'm never going to get this whole 'being good' thing." He said, pulling out his dagger and offering it to Robin. "If you want revenge on me, just take it and get it over with."

Robin quickly pushed the dagger away.

"I can wait." Robin said, smiling evilly. "I think I'll read about how Lord Robert gets his revenge, instead. Perhaps, he'll turn Sir Geoffrey into a eunuch. Hey, now there's an idea!"

Guy's colorless eyes grew wide with terror. He then looked at Robin, and grinned innocently.

"Remember when I said for you to take your revenge on me? I was lying. Honestly." Guy told him, fearfully.  
"Read, Gisborne." Robin ordered.

_"Lord Robert vowed revenge, and he and Sir Geoffrey continually fought, each trying to kill the other. And then, one day, during a very serious battle, Lord Robert's wayward father showed up out of nowhere and quickly put an end to their vengeful squabbles. He then revealed a hidden secret: he and Sir Geoffrey's mother had been in love, and a child had been born from their infidelities. The child had been named 'Swordsman.'"_

"Swordsman?" Guy asked, raising an eyebrow. "That's not a name, it's a job description."  
"Well, I'm sure it was Sir Geoffrey's mother who came up with such an idiotic name!" Robin sniped.

Guy swiftly punched him in the arm again.  
"OW!" He yelped.  
"Just read the book, _Bobbin._ " Said Guy.

_"Realizing that they shared a brother, the two men began to act a bit more civil towards each other. Sir Geoffrey, who had recently become an outlaw himself, joined Lord Robert's gang and moved into the outlaw's camp."_

_"'Just because I have allowed you to join the gang,' Lord Robert told him one evening, while they were alone together in the camp, 'Doesn't mean that I like you.'  
'Nor do I like you,' Sir Geoffrey replied as he removed his tight, black leather coat and his black linen undershirt."_

_"Lord Robert eyed the former villain's bare, glistening chest and grinned. 'And yet, somehow, I am beginning to understand why my dear Margaret was so stirred by you, Geoffrey. I am finding myself strangely attracted to you, as well.'  
'Yes, I will admit that you are a handsome man.' Sir Geoffrey said, walking over towards Lord Robert. 'Even though I hate you.'  
'I hate you more.' Lord Robert replied.  
'I do not think so.' Sir Geoffrey retorted.  
'Do, too.' Said Lord Robert, smirking.  
'Do not.' Repeated Sir Geoffrey.  
'Do, too!' Exclaimed Lord Robert.  
"DO NOT!' Screamed Sir Geoffrey._

_"Quickly becoming impassioned by their argument over who hated who more, Lord Robert grabbed onto Sir Geoffrey's taut buttocks and squeezed them tightly with his hands. He then planted a kiss onto Sir Geoffrey's thin, wet lips."_

_"'Wha...are...ooo...ooing?!' Sir Geoffrey mouthed, his lips still firmly pressed against Lord Robert's.  
'Take me.' Whispered Lord Robert.  
'Wha...?' Muttered Sir Geoffrey."_

_"TAKE ME!" Lord Robert screamed loudly as he broke away from their kiss. "TAKE ME NOW, YOU HOT, SEXY, MAN-BEAST!"_

_"Sir Geoffrey cracked a lop-sided grin and eyed Lord Robert dangerously. He then grabbed the honorable outlaw's shirt and ripped it from his body. The two men moved closer, pressing their bare chests together and wrapping their arms around each other lovingly. Moments later, Lord Robert began to fumble with Sir Geoffrey's belt, and..."_

Robin stared at the handwritten text, his eyes wide in shock. He continued to stare until Guy, who had just finished reading himself, slowly closed the book.  
"I d...d...don't think I really want to read the rest." Guy told him, his voice shaky.  
"Me, either." Robin replied.

Suddenly, the makeshift door to the Outlaw's Camp opened, both Robin and Guy nearly jumped out of their skins over as Much entered, carrying a rope that held several large fish.

"Look at all the fish I caught, Master!" He exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.  
"That's nice, Much." Replied Robin, still looking quite shocked.  
"You should see the beauties that Allan caught. We will certainly feast tonight!" Much exclaimed, happily. Suddenly, he gazed over at the book that was sitting on Robin's thigh, eyeing it curiously.

"Hey, is that my journal?" He finally asked.

**Author's Note:**

> Probably my most popular fic to date. :)
> 
> Also, I have no idea why Much is a Guy/Robin shipper. It just happened! LOL! XD


End file.
